The Hilariously Honest Guide to Crafting a CV That Won't Immediately Get Binned
So, you want to write the perfect CV?
The one that screams "Hire me, I'm brilliant!" and not "I once set the office microwave on fire (accidentally, mostly)"?
Well, strap in, because we're about to embark on a journey through the treacherous, typo-laden landscape of resume creation.
Part 1: The "DOs" – (or “How to Look Vaguely Competent”)
DO Actually Tailor It (No, Really). We know, we know. It's a faff. You'd rather be watching cat videos. But sending that generic CV you wrote in 2017 for a dog-walking job to a high-flying corporate gig is like wearing a clown suit to a funeral. It shows a distinct lack of situational awareness.
Pretend each job ad is a lonely singleton looking for its perfect match. Your CV is your dating profile. Make it swipe-right worthy.
DO Use Action Verbs (But Don't Go Full Rambo). "Managed," "Developed," "Implemented," "Achieved." These are your friends. They make you sound dynamic and like you actually did stuff. Avoid passive phrases like "Was responsible for tasks which sometimes involved..." Yawn.
Instead of "Was part of a team that did stuff," try "Spearheaded a crack commando unit of spreadsheet wranglers to conquer Mount Profit." (Okay, maybe tone it down from Rambo, but you get the idea).
DO Quantify Your Achievements (Good numbers are very sexy). "Increased sales" is dull. "Increased sales by 20% in six months, resulting in enough extra revenue to buy a gold-plated stapler for the boss" is chef's kiss. Numbers make your claims believable and impressive.
If you can't find a number, invent a plausible-sounding metric. "Boosted office morale by approximately 7.3 good-mood units per capita." (Disclaimer: Don't actually invent things you can't back up if asked. Mostly.)
DO Keep It Concise (Ain't Nobody Got Time for Your Life Story). Two pages. Max. Unless you're applying to be the next Poet Laureate and your epic verse is your CV. Hiring managers are busy people. They've got coffee to drink and important emails to ignore.
Think of it as a movie trailer, not the extended director's cut with deleted scenes of you complaining about Brenda from accounts.
DO Proofread. Then Proofread Again. Then Get Your Smartest, Most Annoyingly Pedantic Friend to Proofread. Typos are the CV equivalent of having spinach in your teeth during a first date. They scream "I lack attention to detail and might accidentally email our biggest client a picture of my cat, while I’m holding it, naked."
Read it backwards. Read it aloud in a silly voice. Offer a small child a sweet to find any "oopsies." Whatever it takes.
DO Have a Sensible Email Address. "PartyBoy69@hotmail.com" or "CrazyCatLadyForever@yahoo.com" might have seemed like a good idea at the time, when you were either very drunk or 12 years old but they are not. Get a grown-up email. YourName@provider.com. Simple. Effective. Less likely to raise eyebrows.
Unless you're applying to be a party boy or a professional cat lady, in which case, carry on.
Part 2: The "DON'Ts" - Or, How to Snatch Defeat from the Jaws of Victory
DON'T Lie (Your Pants Will Catch Fire, Figuratively and Possibly Literally). Claiming you're fluent in Klingon or were the lead astronaut on the Apollo 11 mission when you actually just watched a documentary is a bad move. They will find out. And it will be awkward.
Indicating that you are proficient in Microsoft Office" when you still struggle to find the 'save' button is a common fib. Just be honest. "Enthusiastically learning Microsoft Office with the help of YouTube tutorials" is more endearing.
DON'T Use Crazy Fonts or Colours (This Isn't a Ransom Note). Comic Sans is the devil's font in the corporate world. Stick to something clean and professional like Arial, Calibri, or Times New Roman. Black text on a white background. Revolutionary, we know!
Unless you're applying to be a children's party entertainer, in which case, go wild. Glitter glue optional but encouraged.
DON'T Include a Photo (Unless Specifically Asked, and Even Then, Maybe Don't). Unconscious bias is real. Let your skills and experience do the talking, not your questionable lockdown haircut.
If you do include one, make sure it's not that one from Dave's stag do where you're wearing a traffic cone as a hat!
DON'T List Every Job You've Ever Had Since You Were 15. Your paper round or that summer you spent detangling Christmas lights at the garden centre are probably not relevant to your aspirations of becoming a Senior Sales Director. Just concentrate on the last 10-15 years and the most relevant roles.
"Expert in untangling fairy lights under pressure" might be a transferable skill, but probably best left for the interview anecdotes.
DON'T Include Irrelevant Hobbies (Nobody Cares About Your Competitive Cheese Rolling Championship). Unless your hobby is directly relevant to the job (e.g., "Treasurer of the local ornithology club" for an accounting role), leave it out. "Interests: Breathing, eating, and watching TV" also doesn't add much.
If your hobby is "collecting coprolites” (fossilised faeces), perhaps keep that gem to yourself unless you're applying to a geology museum.
DON'T Use Clichés or Buzzwords Like They're Going Out of Style. "Results-oriented team player with a can-do attitude, thinking outside the box to synergise core competencies." Stop. Just stop. Be genuine. The Head of HR has already shredded your CV!
If your CV sounds like a bingo card of corporate jargon, you lose. The prize is unemployment.
DON'T Send It as a '.pages' File (Or Some Other Obscure Format). Word works well and PDF is your safest bet. Everyone can open it. It locks the formatting. It's the sensible adult of file formats and it can be processed by HR Management software which makes life easier for the internal recruiter.
Sending a weird file type is like showing up to a black-tie event in a wetsuit. You'll stand out, but not in a good way. (NEVER send a photo of your CV taken on your smartphone!)
The Golden Rule: Your CV is your personal sales pitch. Make it interesting, accurate, and easy to read. And for the love of all that is holy, make sure your contact details are correct. Otherwise, this whole hilarious ordeal will have been for nothing.
If you need any other help or guidance, just pick up the phone and call the Property Recruitment team at Worth Recruiting on 01372 238300 or visit or website: www.worthrecruiting.me
Good luck, you magnificent job-seeker, you!
Now go forth and conquer (the job market, not actual countries).
