While the human team here at Worth Recruiting is busy finding "perfect matches" and talking frantically about "client requirements" and "candidate flow," I hold perhaps the most critical role in the entire company.
I am the Head of Happiness – as well as being the top dog!
It is a heavy burden to bear. The emotional equilibrium of the entire office rests squarely on my four paws. If the vibe drops, it’s on me to fix it with an aggressively waggy tail, a strategic nudge of a wet nose against a knee under a desk or a muddy paw on a lap.
We are into the New Year now, which means it’s time for that dreaded corporate ritual: The Performance Review. As a senior member of the management team, I have decided to publish my self-assessment for transparency.
Here is how I’m tracking against my KPIs (Kanine Performance Indicators).
Objective 1: Operational Crumb Clearance
Status: Exceeding Expectations
The humans here are generally quite tidy, which is disappointing. However, I maintain constant vigilance around the kitchen area around 12:30 PM.
My patented "Hoover Maneuver" ensures that no microscopic piece of dropped toast hits the floor for longer than three seconds. This is vital health and safety work, preventing slip hazards. I don’t do it for the taste; I do it for the team. (Okay, mostly for the taste).
Objective 2: Stress Reduction Strategy
Status: On Target
Recruitment is stressful. Sometimes the humans get very tense while holding their phones to their ears. I have developed a sophisticated two-pronged approach to handle this:
The Stare: I sit directly in their eyeline and stare unblinkingly into their soul until they stop frowning and smile at me.
The Intervention: If someone sighs deeply, I immediately wedge my head into their legs, forcing them to stop typing and commence ear scratches. This has a 100% success rate in reducing tension.
Objective 3: Visitor Vetting Protocols
Status: Needs Improvement
My job is to screen everyone who enters the premises. My current protocol involves intense sniffing of the ankle area to determine if they own a cat or have recently eaten bacon.
Management has suggested that "jumping up and licking the face" of a prospective client is "not professional corporate behaviour." I disagree. If they don’t like kisses, can we truly trust them? I have agreed to dial back the enthusiasm by 15% in the next quarter
Objective 4: Understanding the Business
Status: Confused
I’ll be honest, I still don't fully understand what Worth Recruiting does.
They talk a lot about "placements." I assume a "placement" is a new type of very comfortable dog bed. They get very excited when they get one, so it must be a really good bed.
They also spend a lot of time on "Zoom." I hate Zoom. It is a box full of tiny people who refuse to pet me, no matter how loudly I bark at the screen. A massive waste of resources, in my professional opinion.
Summary and Salary Review
Overall, I believe my performance has been stellar. Morale is high, crumbs are non-existent, and the MD’s in the boardroom is thoroughly napped upon.
For my annual review, I am requesting an immediate increase in my compensation package. Specifically, I am looking for a 20% uplift in treat dispensation and a renegotiation of the "no dogs on the sofa" policy in the breakout area on the grounds of discrimination.
If you are looking for a new job, or looking to hire someone, come and see the humans here. They are very good at what they do.
And if you do visit, please ensure your pockets contain at least one piece of cheese.
